I'll Make a Deatheater Out of You
by You-Know-Who
Summary: A humorous fan fic in which Voldemort reveals more of his past through odd photos and a musical number. (Which neither he nor the secretary take complete credit for.)


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I'll Make a Deatheater Out of You

by You-Know-Who

A figure clothed in darkness clutching a red velvet tome comes into view. Only the shine of his bald, pale head and glow of his red eyes are revealed to you. 

"Hello, puny mortals. It is I, Lord Voldemort. Come and take a stroll with me down memory lane." 

He opens the massive book revealing it to be a photo album. 

"Now I'm sure most of you have read a little about me in the biography I have posted, but I feel that does nothing to truly capture the essence of who I am. 

Too quickly I passed over the glory that was my Deatheaters. Not to mention my most recent rise to power. I have returned eh heh. Which only further proves how evil I am. 

I also think I failed to truly capture the great struggle I have undergone in procuring my minions. I feel that this short story illustrated by this photo album and my own re-telling will present you with a more accurate view." 

He turns the first page which shows a picture of a young man and woman with various curse words surrounding their smiling faces. Some of their teeth have been filled in and the man has been given a large bushy red beard. It is obvious the photo have been tampered with. 

"My parents," Voldemort says with disgust, wrinkling his nose. 

He turns the page quickly to a child's picture. The child has evil glowing red eyes and is fixing a small girl into a crude guillotine. He waves to the camera cackling. 

"Ah, the joy of youth," Voldemort says sighing a tad misty-eyed. "The fun I had at that orphanage." 

He skims past pages of pictures of him with headless cloth dolls and sobbing children. Past winning medals of honor at Hogwarts. 

He stops at the page where a teenaged lord of evil is posed with his father and his grandparents. His eyes glow a tad more demonically and those beside him fail to notice. 

"Ah, justice. So sweet. So bloody," Voldemort says cackling. "They never saw it coming. I took pictures of that too, but I don't want to have you all die of shock just yet! Mwahahaha!!!!!" 

He continues to laugh manically until he begins sputtering and coughs up a rather large hairball. 

"Pressing forward." 

He turns the page and holds it up to your face. 

"I'll let this picture speak for itself. I captured a rather splendid moment with my Deatheaters. As well as the musical number that ensued." 

He chuckles in a sinister manner before fading from view. The picture blows up to cover the screen in front of you. 

Lined up in a row are some rather pathetic-looking wizards dressed in somber black robes. Lucius Malfoy stands to the left of the frame rubbing his nose attempting to hide a rather large pimple on the end of it as he looks in a mirror. Goyle and Crabbe's fathers have long, ratty hair and are picking each other's noses. 

To the far right stands a young Severus Snape who is trying to piece his wand back together. "Shouldn't have left it in my pocket," he mutters to himself. 

There are others most of whom are fitting over who will be the best Deatheater. Two girls are in the midst of a spat, attacking each other with wands. Besides them, a rather plump girl is wailing and clutching her head wanting to go home. 

A angry "ahem" comes from out of the corner of the picture and a rather irritated Voldemort appears before them. 

"Now, you have all arrived. I'm sure you are all--" 

He turns on the plump girl as she begins to wail loudly. "Will you kindly desist your blubbering?" 

She pales and whimpers softly. 

"Why are you...I won't even ask," Voldemort begins then silently rubs his temples. 

After a moment in which Goyle and Crabbe finish picking each other noses, Lucius has managed to pop his pimple, and Snape has given up on his wand, Voldemort looks up. 

"Ah ha," he says as though coming up with a solution. 

The plump girl screams and hides behind Severus who sighs. 

Voldemort sighs and waves his wand. Out of nowhere comes rather loud music. He rolls up his sleeve and begins walking past them and begins singing. 

[The musical number begins to the tune of "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan] 

o/~ Let's get down to business! ...to defeat o/~ 

He ponders this briefly. 

o/~everyone...o/~ 

Plump girl commences blubbering. Voldemort glares at her and stares in wonderment as 

Goyle and Crabbe Senior begin grooming each other's hair. 

o/~Did they send me morons when I asked for none? 

You're the saddest bunch I ever met, 

but you can bet before we're through o/~ 

He turns and glares at Lucius who was trying to hide a smirk. 

o/~Mister, I'll make a Deatheater out of you.o/~ 

Snape sighs. 

Voldemort glares at Snape scrutinizing him. 

o/~Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within 

Once you find your center you are sure to win.o/~ 

Voldemort makes a dragon appear and the would-be Deatheaters reluctantly begin poking it with branches. Crabbe and Goyle begin to pick the plump girl's nose as she wails. Snape tries a spell with a piece of his wand and turns Lucius into a ferret. 

Voldemort sighs as the dragon begins attacking them. 

o/~You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot 

And you haven't got a clue. 

Somehow I'll make a Deatheater out of you.o/~ 

The plump girl running away from the dragon. o/~ I'm never gonna catch my breath o/~ 

Lucius in ferret form runs after her. o/~ Say goodbye to those who knew me o/~ 

Random bloke gets tackled by the dragon. o/~Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym. o/~ 

Wormtail mutters to himself. o/~This guy's got'em scared to death!o/~ 

Snape glancing sheepishly at his wand as Voldemort glares at him. o/~Hope he doesn't see right thru me.o/~ 

Crabbe jumps into a creek. o/~Now I really wish that I knew how to swim! o/~ 

They all sing as they run away: o/~Be a Deatheater o/~ 

Voldemort turns Lucius, 

o/~You must be swift as the coursing river.o/~ 

All: o/~Be a Deatheater o/~ 

o/~With all the force of a great Typhoon.o/~ 

o/~Be a Deatheater o/~ 

He turns himself into a gigantic black dragon with fierce red eyes. 

o/~With all the strength of a raging fire 

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.o/~ 

He breathes fire and destroys the dragon instantly. He pulls Crabbe out of the swallow creek where he has been floundering before changing back. 

o/~Time is racing toward us til the Potters die. o/~ 

Snape grins. Voldemort scowls at him and repairs his broken wand. 

o/~Heed my every order, and you might survive.o/~ 

He turns to the plump girl who whimpers. 

o/~You're unsuited for the rage of war 

So pack up, go home; you're through. 

How could I make a Deatheater out of you? o/~ 

She runs away gasping and wheezing. 

The other Deatheaters cheer. o/~Be a Deatheater o/~ 

Voldemort sighs and begins giving each of them a nifty snake and skull tatoo. 

o/~You must be swift as the coursing river.o/~ 

Goyle and Crabbe return to picking each other's noses. Voldemort sighs in exasperation. 

The others: o/~Be a Deatheater o/~ 

Voldemort goes back to giving them tatoos. o/~With all the force of a great Typhoon.o/~ 

All: o/~Be a Deatheatero/~ 

o/~With all the strength of a raging fire 

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.o/~ 

This Voldemort cackles evily and the picture fades to black. 

The most recent visage of Voldemort appears again. He sighs. "Erm...well, we were just getting started in that picture. 

"You know what, I think this photo album idea was....rather foolish. But don't worry. I will come up with a better method for explaining my glory. 

Until then," He holds up a piece of paper with text in green ink that reads: 

THE END


End file.
